Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Unicorns and Tribbles

I've went traveling recently. To far off places of mystical wonder and unicorns!

...and by "mystical wonder" I mean hotels and by "unicorns" I mean airports. Today, I share with you, a tale.

I was sitting in the unicorn waiting for my flight home peacefully reading the Sunday comics. The area around me was fairly crowded with people also waiting for the same flight. It hit me hard then... an inexplicable urge that took all my will to resist. I desperately wanted to look up and shout, "WAFFLES!", after which I would go back to quietly reading my comics like nothing had happened.

This is not the first time I have wanted to do this. There is just something about shouting a random word in a somewhat crowded area... just for the hell of it. As far as I know, I am the only person who has wanted to try this. Granted, I haven't volunteered this information before either so I really wouldn't know the secret shouting desires of anyone else.

The inner Spock in me tries to make logical sense of this phenomenon while my inner Kirk shouts at him, "Fuck you Spock! Humans are illogical! Bones, you can figure this out can't you?" And my inner McCoy is all, "Damn it Jim! I'm a doctor, not a engineer! I can't fix this faulty wiring!" AND THEN TRIBBLES ARE EVERYWHERE!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Los Lonely Pube

One of the things I have to do at work is clean the bathrooms. We don't hire a cleaning service so we take turns with the cleaning duties. On my last cleaning venture I was happily scouring a toilet and singing to myself when I discovered it. A hair. Not just any hair though... there is only one type of hair that turns and twists in such a way that reminds you of an off ramp in the city...

A pube. A hair from the great beyond.

It didn't surprise me that it was there. I was, after all, cleaning a toilet. What made me stop for a moment was my realization that this pube was not a "stranger pube". I actually knew one of the people it came from, but not intimately enough to be okay with its presence. This was an "acquaintance pube", the most awkward of all pubes.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Clothing Optional

I went to a hot springs resort the other day. One of the features were Geo-Thermal Cave Baths. These cave baths are gender separated and happen to be clothing optional. This was my first time in a clothing optional place and I had expected the ratio of non-nude to nude would be about 50/50. Nope. That was not the case at all. In fact, myself and my friend were the only ones wearing anything. I actually was starting to feel out of place.

The nudity didn't bother me though. In fact, I was extremely cool with it. What surprised me was the... oh, how should I say it... state of lawn maintenance some of these women had. I mean, not even twenty feet in I encountered a lady laying down by the baths that must have been hiding a forest in her pants. If I had my glasses on, I bet I could have seen birds flying out of there.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Doodle of Melons

I have had nothing interesting to talk about lately. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Anyway, I was unloading melons from the car today (they came two in a bag) and the bag broke. I caught the melons but couldn't help but be amused at the cliché pose. Nobody was around to share in my amusement so here is a crappy doodle of the event. Ta for now! ... or shall I say ta-tas for now?

Holding my melons.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Working On The Self/Risks

For the past year I've been trying to be more true to myself. It has been hard but every day that goes by has been easier. The past two weeks have experienced the most change on outlook and physical well being. I'm pretty happy about that actually. I fear though that old habits die hard. But... I'm thinking if I do have a glitch, I just need to remember how I feel in this very moment.

I rather enjoy change. I also like new experiences and meeting new people. One day I'd love to travel the world. Unfortunately, that does take some monetary start up. Plus, being female, I have to take some extra precautions when it comes to travel. This upsets me actually. I wish it weren't like that.

My life is at a crossroads and I'm still looking at the map trying to choose the best route. I'm trying to listen to my heart and listen to logic. Logic has given me a clear answer but my heart is still undecided. Perhaps this is the "crisis" of most people in their early to mid twenties face. Hell, this is probably a "crisis" that most people face sometime in their lifetime. What I'd really like to hear about is other people's crossroads and what they did about it. And if they believe it was the best choice for them. And why.

Choices contain risks and risks are what make life worth living. Without taking a chance we'll never get answers we seek. I like risks, but they are calculated risks. I've jumped out of an airplane and invested over a grand that took me forever to save in t-shirts that may or may not be sold (among other risks throughout my life). A certain amount of trust was invested in those endeavors and luckily I've at least broke even on all of them in terms of gain and loss. All the while I was fully aware of the consequences if things happened to go "wrong". So I'm not afraid to take risks. The choice is in which risk to take.

This blog post isn't funny and it jumps around a lot. I don't really care though. My brain just wanted to vomit this out.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Clogging the Work Toilet

Yup. We're gonna talk about poop. Classy, no?

Lately it seems, good hearty poops are all the rage. We lead the way into the 21st century holding our colon cleanses high in the air exclaiming, "I POOP FREQUENTLY AND HAVE IDEAL GIRTH!" Well, guess what folks, I was a trend setter way back in the 90's.

Consequently, I've become a bit neurotic when it comes to using a restroom other than mine when it comes to pooping. Particularly when that restroom only has one toilet and no plunger in sight. The beauty of public restrooms with multiple toilets is you can always use the excuse of "it was that other chick". Unless, of course, there's a line. Then you can either let everyone know you destroyed the toilet or wait out the crowd and possibly make fart noises with your mouth so everyone doesn't think you're stalling. Ha ha. That was punny.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

On Farmville, Customer Service, and Man Boobs


The very word stirs emotions deep within the soul. Whether they be hatred, joy, or shame, they come bubbling to the surface like heartburn after Taco Bell.

For me, the emotion is shame. I bear before you, my very soul, as I admit... I do, in fact, play Farmville. I've been trying to quit! Really! I was doing good for a while but then I fell off the band wagon.

But I digress... the problem with Farmville is you start to see it appear in your daily life. I was happily driving to work today, singing to myself, when BAM! there they were... plots of lavender. In reality, they were just the work of landscapers. In my mind however, they were perfectly harvested bunches that were placed by the path. And... and... Oh Em GEE!!! Limited edition flax plants!

See the problem? Perhaps it was the lack of caffeine in my blood stream at that early hour. Perhaps I'm just crazy. Or perhaps both! I felt ashamed though. And dirty. Very very dirty.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Candicity: I am who I am

I have many thoughts that go through my head that I'd like to express. Sometimes I hold these thoughts in because they are not "appropriate" for the moment or may sound strange or god forbid, "uncouth". Here, I will vocalize them. If you find amusement by my musings, great! If you've had the same thoughts, even better! If you don't, I really don't give a rat's ass.

Welcome to Candicity. Where I am who I am.

Wipe your feet before entering.