Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Los Lonely Pube

One of the things I have to do at work is clean the bathrooms. We don't hire a cleaning service so we take turns with the cleaning duties. On my last cleaning venture I was happily scouring a toilet and singing to myself when I discovered it. A hair. Not just any hair though... there is only one type of hair that turns and twists in such a way that reminds you of an off ramp in the city...

A pube. A hair from the great beyond.

It didn't surprise me that it was there. I was, after all, cleaning a toilet. What made me stop for a moment was my realization that this pube was not a "stranger pube". I actually knew one of the people it came from, but not intimately enough to be okay with its presence. This was an "acquaintance pube", the most awkward of all pubes.

I'm not sure why exactly the "acquaintance pube" is so awkward but I do have a theory. If a pube was a person, I imagine they would be that quirky guy or gal social enough not to hide out in a corner but lacking in social skills in such a way that all their jokes fall just short of being funny. This then entices whatever person or group they're mingling with to give them a pity laugh just to break the tension of the failed joke.

Imagine this person is a stranger to you and you're stuck in a conversation with them. At this point it is relatively easy to blow them off or make them someone else's problem. Or, if you just completely make an ass of yourself to get away, chances are you'll never encounter them again.
Awkward level = medium-low.

On the complete opposite end, if this person is a close personal friend of yours and they try their little joke shenanigans on you, you may consider their inept attempts endearing or even be comfortable enough to call them out on how terrible their joke was and therefore everyone has a good laugh from this friendly ribbing.
Awkward level = low.

Now envision this person as your acquaintance. You know them well enough for about five minutes of grocery store conversation consisting mostly of just "catching up" and the weather. This acquaintance shows up at a party and you're the only one they know. Most of you reading this should know this spells certain doom as you won't be able to get rid of this person for the rest of the night. You must constantly endure their nonexistent conversation skills while you feel the sinking feeling of your soul slowly dying.

This, my friends, is the awkwardness of the "acquaintance pube"--in all it's curly glory. This is what I encountered on that fateful day of cleaning. So what did I do?

I destroyed its sorry awkward ass with Scrubbing Bubbles and paper towels bitches! Oh yeah.

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