Sunday, October 23, 2011

Padocalypse and a Mango

The thing about being busy is sometimes you forget about simple things. Maybe it's doing the laundry, maybe it's making sure there's food in the house, or maybe even forgetting to shower (you disgusting freak). In my case, however, I feel it was much worse...

My tale begins one morning as I groggily get ready for work after a night of cramping hell when I open my bathroom drawer to get supplies for the day and note the contents... a SINGLE. SOLITARY. PAD. My sluggish brain struggles to comprehend what this means. This means I... am out of pads? No... this can't be right. This never happens. I go to check my purse for backup... nothing. My backpack... nothing. My gym bag... abso-freakin'-lutely nothing! With a heavy sigh I resign myself to the fact that I have to make an emergency run to the store after work.

I was not looking forward to this since I had about 2 1/2 hours of sleep that night and several nights before that. My brain would be struggling to just get through the work day, not to mention an additional unplanned errand. Plus, when I don't sleep enough, things get... weird. I get abnormally silly and laugh at everything. My perception of the world changes and I happily skip along in this new world like everything is made of sugar and hugs. I really should not be out in public.

Fast forward to after work where I have been laughing all afternoon on some strange sleep deprivation/caffeine high and am arriving at the grocery store to obtain provisions for the week to come. As I enter I pass by some mangoes. I make it about three feet before I make an abrupt 180 and walk back to stare at the mangoes. Keep in mind my brain is not functioning properly. I stare for a moment longer before slowly reaching out to fondle a few. "Mango... mannnnngo. Do I want a mango? This mango is a dollar. Do I want a mango for a dollar? Nnnn... yes. Yes I do. Fuck it, my ovaries are trying to kill me. I deserve a mango. Mmm, mango." After carefully selecting my mango of choice, I gently place it in my basket and proceed to the feminine product aisle.

This aisle can be overwhelming at times. There are many to choose from, and from a bad experience with a mall vending machine diaper pad back in high school that made me feel like I was wearing a codpiece to rival Bowie's in Labyrinth (see Exhibit A), I have made it a point to find the thinnest pad I can possibly find while maintaining good absorbency. Also, considering I was spending a whole dollar on a mango, I wanted to try and find a good value as well.

Exhibit A

After 15 minutes of comparing pads side by side eyeballing the thickness with much scrutiny, comparing price per ounce, and choosing multiple sizes and products for my various activities, I have a basket that looks like this:

My Basket

I stare at the contents for a few moments. "Holy crap. It's like I'm stocking up for the apocalypse. It's a Padocalypse!... and a mango." Because I'm incredibly sleep deprived, I think my new word is hilarious and am laughing aloud as I walk down the aisle swinging my basket full of pads and a lone mango. After passing a few people who gave me funny looks, I realize I probably look insane and suddenly become quite self conscious yet I can't stop laughing. Instead of doing the rational thing and paying for my goods and leaving, I instead think it's a brilliant idea to pad my basket with other items and buy soup and chai tea (on sale bitches!).

Pleased with my bounty I head towards the self checkouts which are the saving grace of anyone with questionable items in their cart when I'm stopped short with the friendly greeting of the lady standing by Checkout 8, "Are you ready to check out?" My brain panics, "Uh.... suuure." My body tells me to run to the safety of self checkout but it was already too late--she had my basket. As she grabs the first of many pads, "Did you find everything okay?" More panic, "Oh, yeah, ha ha, I was out of a few things and uh... just decided to get more things. You know. And I felt like a mango!" She scans the pads though and smiles, "Really? You should be craving other things." Um... what? What does she mean? Chocolate? Sex? Whatever... I stand by my mango. "Oh, well, you know, mangoes are great!" She senses my discomfort and says, "I bet you're like, 'Hurry up so I can get out of here!'"...

...This is where the sleep deprivation kicks in and I go insane--in a good way. I smile at her and say, "Nah. I should just embrace this. Here, lets make a pad tower!" So in the middle of the grocery store, in Checkout 8, I make a tower of pads over 2 feet high on the conveyor belt and proudly exclaim, "IT'S A PADOCALYPSE! Now you can tell people you made a tower of pads today!" She is quite nonplussed at this and says, "Well... I don't think I have ever told someone that before." I look her square in the eyes with a sly smile and say quite seriously, "I am changing the world... one pad at a time." At this I pay, bid her goodbye, gather my things, hold my head high and exit... barely making it to the parking lot before bursting out in laughter.


  1. Haha!!! Love it! Best line ever "...that made me feel like I was wearing a codpiece to rival Bowie's in Labyrinth (see Exhibit A)" Plus, exhibit A, literally could NOT be funnier!

    Hilarious tale full of tension, strife, and ultimately vindication! ;-) You rock!


    1. Thank you Lauren. :D Thanks for always reading these silly posts and being a part of some of them! You're the bestest!